Ashes to Ashes
by Kazo Sakamari
Summary: Ring-a-round a rosie...a pocket full of posies...Ashes! Ashes! We all...fall down... Sirius is falling, falling...falling...and he can't get back up...


So...this is just...I don't even know what this is.

I just had this weird idea of Sirius burning down a house one day and started a story...and it somehow turned into a Sirius soul searching, near slash but not quite, brotherly love story.

Anyways, I own nothing. JKR owns Harry Potter.

And review.

Dear God, please review.

* * *

The sky was light, that faint shade of gray that came from a weak sun just beginning to rise. Shadows fell in sharp jagged lines on the sidewalk, ever so slowly creeping back to their corners as night began to fade.

It must have been three in the morning, maybe later when the foursome finally stumbled out of the bar. Whiskey was strong in their breath and cigarette smoke lingered on their clothing. For all purposes they looked just like any other group of reckless young men.

They walked in silence, side by side, mostly to keep each other from falling, not that it did much good, it seemed to act more like a domino effect then keep them upright.

A few trains rumbled in the distance, and the liquid in James' near empty whiskey bottle sloshed about as he stumbled they never got this drunk, sure they got drunk, but not _this_ drunk. It had been a celebratory evening however, so they allowed themselves a little leeway. Just this once they told each other, and they meant it too.

Remus had landed a job at the Ministry of Magic, a feat that all four, though they would never admit it in lieu of hurting Remus' feelings, had thought impossible. True, it was only as a small time file clerk, and quite a few strings had been pulled to manage it, but still, a job was a job. And the Ministry of Magic was the Ministry of Magic.

Yet to them it represented something so much more. To them, if a registered werewolf could land a job at the Ministry of Magic, one of the most bigoted and prejudiced wizarding establishments in Britain, then anything was possible.

It meant that the war could end tomorrow, it meant that Dumbledore could be a flaming gay transvestite, it meant that Peter could shag that hot secretary at the muggle post.

It meant hope.

It gave them hope, something that they had been severely lacking ever since they took their places as men in the real world, ever since they left the safety of Hogwarts and were faced with the grim reality that any one of them could die the next day.

The dark thoughts that they might actually lose this war, that they might never get the chance to grow old and happy, or get married, or have a midlife crisis, or screw around with their secretaries.

That they would never get to stand around and laugh and joke at James' wedding, saying how they had always believe he would get the girl in the end, even though they hadn't. They would never get to feel that parental like pride when Remus took them out to the fanciest restaurant in town and paid the bill in full, because he did in fact have a steady job and was moving up in the world like they all hoped he would. They would never be able to tease Peter for being a Mama's boy when he finally bought her that big blue house on 5th street that he had been dreaming about since he was twelve years old. They would never be able to look Sirius in the eye and say 'I love you mate, it's all going to be alright now.' when he finally forgave his family for all the wrong they had done him.

This little stint as a file clerk, even though they all knew it wouldn't last, was hope to them, so they gave themselves a break and had a little fun.

Just for one night.

They let themselves smile a little brighter and laugh a little louder and let that youthful glint return to their eyes.

If only for one night.

They let themselves forget that they were in the heart of a war, that danger surrounded them, that there were people out there who wanted them dead, and for one night they let themselves act like the irresponsible children they really were.

Sirius laughed his bark like laugh and threw his arms around his friend's shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze and a smile.

It was that smile that made Remus' heart sore and James' chest lighten. Remus, James, and Peter's part in the war had begun when they walked out of Hogwarts' front doors and into the Wizarding world, Sirius though, had been fighting this war in one way or another since he was eleven years old, rudely thrown into the lion's den when all he had ever know was the snake's nest.

The rest of the Marauders were only just now finding out just how much of an impact Sirius had. When they had left Hogwarts his facade had fallen out of place, he could no longer hide behind house pranks and Quidditch matches, his smiles grew less frequent and his laughter almost nonexistent.

The happiness in his eyes was fading.

And fading fast.

They had dealt with it before, back at Hogwarts. A howler would come or Snape would utter a snide comment in the hallway and that glimmer in Sirius' eyes would go out and the darkness and famous Black insanity would creep in. It had been so much easier to relight it at Hogwarts though, a good prank here and a joke there, maybe a midnight game of werewolf tag if it that been really bad.

Now they each had their own worries though, their own fears to manage, they couldn't spend all their time keeping Sirius' head above those dark waters they all knew he lived in. And they were worried, they were worried they were losing him, worried that they weren't enough to keep him afloat anymore, that the world had finally succeeded in drowning him underneath all that pain and darkness that life had forced onto him.

Remus smiled and caught James' eye, he was still their Sirius, that glimmer of life was still in there somewhere. They just had to work a little harder to dig it out.

Then Peter tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and went down dragging James, Sirius, and Remus along with him in a jumble of yelps and growls.

"Pete, come _on_ mate."

"James, get off. You weight as much as an obese elephant."

"Merlin Sirius, get your foot out of my face!"

"Oi, you get your knee out of my crotch-" Sirius paused mid sentence, his grey eyes flickering to the alleyway behind them and within seconds he was on his feet, untangled, wand out.

"Who's there?" He called out, the laughter was gone from his face and in its place was the emotionless mask that was so common these days. Cautiously he moved forward into the shadows, James, Peter, and Remus following a few paces behind.

"Well well well...look what we have here boys." A voice snickered from the alleyway and the Marauders watched frozen with fear as three death eaters stepped forward, wands drawn.

There was a pregnant pause as everyone just stared, taking in the scene. Then the death eaters moved, jets of multicolored light shooting everywhere.

Sirius ducked, dragging Remus down with him. They hit the ground hard behind some dumpsters, knocking the wind out of Remus. All signs of drunkenness vanished from Sirius' eyes and the warmth that had been there a moment ago was gone, replaced by hard unforgiving steel.

James had dragged Peter's unconscious form behind some trash bags while the Death Eaters were still firing off curses, he caught Sirius eye and held up three fingers.

Three.

Two.

One.

They moved so fast Remus wasn't even sure he saw them. Sirius hit one Death Eater with a bone breaking curse while James hit another with a stunning spell.

Two down, one to go.

Remus dashed from his hiding place to Peter, quickly muttering "evenerate." Sirius turned for a brief second, checking that he was safe and not caught in the cross fire before aiming for the third Death Eater. His curse went wide and James moved in, picking up the slack. Suddenly another Death Eater apparate behind them, his cruciatus curse hitting James square in the back and he went down screaming. Remus tried to hit him, but he had moved already trying to get a lock on Sirius, who was dancing between curses from two newly arrived Death Eaters.

"James!"

And before Remus could move Sirius had forgone his wand and sucker punched one Death Eater in the stomach. Remus saw his chance and put a body bind curse on the other Death Eater. Sirius grabbed the remaining Death Eater around the neck, slamming him into the ground, the curse broke and Remus ran to James who was splayed out on the ground, his body shaking terribly.

When he looked up again Sirius' wand was pointed at the Death Eaters throat and his face was dark. Sirius ripped the mask off the unmoving man and smiled.

"Hello Nott. Mind telling me what you're doing on this side of town?"

"Wouldn't you like to know Black, you little blood traitor." The man snarled.

Sirius growled and slammed Nott's head against the ground again, a small pool of blood appearing beneath it.

"Tell me."

"Why the hell should I?"

Sirius gave Nott a bloodless smile and tightened his grip on his throat.

"I never knew you were suicidal Nott." There was a dark playful tone in Sirius' voice that chilled Remus to the bone. After a few minutes of hacking and coughing Nott finally found his voice.

"You got a bounty on your head Black," He rasped, smiling as if this brought him personal pleasure. Blood trickled from his mouth.

"You and your little auror friend Potter. We were just out hoping to collect." Nott laughed darkly which turned into a coughing fit, blood hitting Sirius in the face.

"Lots of money if I bring you two in Black. Dead or alive, the Dark Lord doesn't care."

He coughed up a few droplets of blood and spit some more blood on the pavement beside him, staring straight up at Sirius.

"I'd watch out if I were you." His bloody smile grew, sharp white teeth glittering in the dark alleyway. Remus helped James into a sitting position, examining the hard features of Sirius face. The sudden sound of bones splintering filled the air as Sirius' fist collided with Nott's jaw.

"No Nott. I'd watch out if I were _you_. You know why?" Sirius hissed shoving his wand further into Nott's throat as Nott made a low guttural sound.

"Do you know _why_?" His voice was low, a dangerous growl so like Padfoot's when he was angry.

"Because if you ever, _ever_ come within a ten kilometer radius of my friends ever again…I will take everything you love. Everything you care about...And burn it the ground."

His dark hair fell into his face, half obscuring it from Remus' view. Yet the message was clear.

"I'll make your life go up in flames and I'll watch them suffer, your little family. I'll make sure they scream real fucking loud, just so you can hear them." He leaned down, so close that their foreheads were nearly touching and Remus strained his ears to hear what Sirius was saying.

"Because if you come after my family, I'll kill yours Nott. So stay the fuck away from my friends you bastard." Sirius' hand tightened around Nott's throat till he was choking for air, eyes bulging, face turning purple.

"Do you understand me?" Nott struggled for a moment, trying to speak, but no words came out.

"Do you understand me!?" Sirius yelled and Nott nodded fervently. Sirius released him, kicking his body away.

"Get the fuck out of my sight Nott. And tell you friends the same goes for them." There was a loud crack as Nott disapparated and another as one of the remaining awake Death Eaters followed.

"James, you alright mate?" There was concern in Sirius' eyes now, Remus noted, concern and worry.

He helped pull James to his feet and Sirius steadied him, shrugging James' arm around his shoulder. Remus was already helping Peter to his feet, dusting him off a bit.

"Come on mates. Let's go home." Sirius muttered, grabbing a tighter hold of James before disapparating with a crack. Remus waited a beat pulling Peter upright before disapparating with a loud crack of his own.

* * *

It was early in the morning when Remus woke, sunlight was streaming through the cracks in the curtains and it took his eyes a moment to adjust to the the stars had finally faded he looked around.

They had all crashed at Sirius' flat, none of them really wanting to go back to their own respective homes alone after the events of last night. James and Peter were still asleep snoring away in a couple of plush sleeping bags on the floor, but Sirius' old four poster bed was empty.

That wasn't much of a surprise, even at Hogwarts Sirius had always been as early riser. When they were younger Sirius would be up wandering about the dormitory, making noise, much to everyone else's annoyance. When he got older though, Sirius would wake at some obscene hour before the sun was even in the sky and do homework or go for a run around the grounds as Padfoot. He had never bothered to explain to them why he woke up so early and never slept much and back then they had no reasons to ask so they never did.

Nowadays it was a different story.

Remus carefully picked his way across the bedroom, trying not to tread on Peter or James and headed across the hall to bathroom where he took a quick shower, almost hoping he could wash away the memories of last night. Pulling on some clean robes he quietly made his way to the kitchen, where he found Sirius with a large mug of tea reading a muggle comic book.

He nodded as Remus came in and got up to make him a cup of tea. Settling into the armchair that Sirius had pushed up near the table Remus studied his friend.

Sirius was wearing only a pair of flannel pajama pants and an old jumper, his long black hair falling gracefully in his face. He set a steaming cup of tea in front of Remus and passed him the old worn copy of Hogwarts A History that Remus kept at Sirius' for rainy days.

"How long have you been up?"

Sirius shrugged and kept his eyes trained on Calvin and Hobbs. "I didn't check the clock."

"You need to sleep more mate." James' groggy voice called from the hallway and both Sirius and Remus turned as James stumbled into the kitchen without his glasses.

"We got back around four, its bloody eight in the morning now…if you were up before both Moony and me, that's less than four hours Padfoot." James ruffled his already disastrous bed hair as he did the math and examined Sirius sharply. Bright hazel eyes full of concern.

"And this is…shit…the fifth day that you haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep?" He probed carefully, but Sirius just shrugged again and took a long sip of tea, hiding his worn and tired face behind the mug.

"I'm fine Prongs." Muttered Sirius, slowly getting up to make James a cup of tea.

"Oh cut the bullshit Pads. I can make my own goddamn tea, go back to bed and sleep for a day or two."

Sirius stopped digging around in the cupboard for a clean mug and gave James a blank stare.

"You always put too bloody much milk in it anyways." They shared a long look, the depths of which went way over Remus' head before Sirius sighed loudly and curled back up in his chair like a cat while James busied himself around the kitchen making tea.

"Prongs…" It was a gentle whisper, testing the waters.

"Shut it Padfoot. And drink your tea, maybe it'll make you tired." Sirius glanced from James to his tea, apparently deciding that the waters were perfectly safe flashing his hazel eyed friend a mischievous smile.

"It's caffeinated."

The silence could have stretched for miles Remus thought, before they both broke out in unrestrained laughter, tears nearly streaming out of James eyes, Sirius gasping for air as his bark like laugh filled the kitchen.

"Oh shut _up_ you two, it wasn't that funny. You'll wake Peter." Remus snapped, always the voice of reason, but there was a smile on his face too, and the ghost of a laugh on his lips.

"Honestly Moony, that rat could sleep through a hurricane." James snickered and Remus smiled and shook his head.

"Post is here." He noted as he stood, pulling a few knuts from his pocket and opening the kitchen window to the impatient looking owl outside the glass.

"Here James, now you can read the comics too." Remus smirked tossing the Prophet to James across the table. He paid the owl and opened the window again for it to leave.

Slumping back down in his armchair again Remus suddenly looked up, unconsciously feeling the tension in the room.

Lying open on the table was the Daily Prophet, the front page filled with a sharp black and white photo of a large burning mansion, the flames flickering back and forth as a few wizards tried valiantly to put out the fire. In large bold letters was the heading '**Historical Nott Family Home Reduced to Ashes' **underneath the picture was a large article going into more detail, but neither James nor Sirius seemed interested in it.

Their eyes were locked on the picture, the tension in the room reaching heights Remus hadn't thought possible.

"James…"

"Fuck Sirius!" James roared his mug shattered as it collided with the wall.

"Fuck!" Sirius flinched and backed away from the raging pureblood.

"James…I-I had too…please understand…"

"Had to? Had to!? You didn't _have_ to do anything!" Yelled James, hands scratching at the air for something else to destroy. Sirius grimaced, knowing that if he got any closer to his friend that it would be his face that was destroyed.

"Yes, had to. I had to do it."

"Why? Why in the fucking world did you have to do anything?" James snarled taking a few steps toward Sirius, who hurriedly backed away, arms wrapped protectively around his body, remnants of an abusive childhood.

"Because James, you have to understand-"

"Well I don't!"

"Then let me fucking explain! Just-just calm down!"

"How the hell do you explain something like this Sirius!?" James yelled shoving the paper in Sirius' face.

Remus sighed and stood placing himself between his friends.

"James, calm down. You don't even know it was Sirius who did that." As soon as he said it though Remus regretted it as James' fury turned on him.

"You were there, you heard what _he_ said last night! What is this, just some bloody amazing coincidence then?"

There was silence for a moment as both Remus and James turned to Sirius.

"Well Padfoot?" Remus' heart wretched as he stared at his friend, at his goddamn empty eyes that pleaded with them, not to ask that question, because they all knew what the answer was.

"I had to, you don't understand…" Sirius whispered, so softly that if he hadn't been waiting for it, Remus might have missed it. James visibly deflated, the anger and confusion, the frustration disappearing for a moment.

"Pads…why the hell would you do that?"

"Because I had to! You don't know these people!"

"Neither do you!" James shot back.

"I do fucking know them! I know them! I'm related to them! I grew up with them! I know that words aren't going to do _shit_. They were going to keep coming and coming until you were dead or worse. I had to show them that I meant what I said! I had to set a bloody example! Threats aren't enough to keep those people away. I had to let them know that I was serious, that I was serious about keeping you safe."

"Sirius, there were innocent people in that house! Their parents were in that fire, their cousins, they didn't come after me, they didn't kill anyone, why did you have to murder them too?"

"Innocent? Is that what you call innocent?" Sirius stared at James with wide, swirling eyes and gave a weak hysterical sounding laugh.

"I saw that man, their father, slap his wife at my mother's Christmas party when I was nine. He beat the crap out of her, just like my fucking parents did to me. And her! She put the cruciatus curse on her own bloody son when he talked out of turn. Is that innocent to you? Every kid in that family above the age of sixteen is a Death Eater, they have a list at the Ministry of bodies that the Nott family is responsible for! How the _fuck_ is that innocent to you? Those people were monsters! They deserved to die!"

Sirius gave another shaky laugh, his silver eyes boring into James. His hand was shaking, still holding his mug of tea.

"They deserved to die. All of them."

The mug dropped and crashed to the floor.

"And I killed them."

Red droplets of blood splashed onto the kitchen tile.

"Sirius-"

"What James!? What!? Are you going to tell me that I'm just like them!? That I've sunk to their levels by killing and murdering and threatening people!? That I'm just as good as a Death Eater!?"

"Sirius!"

"That I picked the wrong fucking side!? You think I should be over there, with all the rest of my bloody family murdering mudbloods left and right! Are you agreeing with the rest of the fucking Order now!? With the rest of the fucking world now!? Are you!? _Are you_!?"

Sirius is screaming now, hands gesturing wildly and blood is splattering around the room. James is staring at Sirius, as though nothing else exists in the world.

"You're bleeding."

That shuts Sirius up, and he looks down at his bleeding hand from where the shards of the mug had cut it and back to James.

Without another word he turns and flees toward the balcony, jumping over the railing and disapparating mid fall.

James snarls, knocking over the rickety dining table and kicking at a folding chair before leaping over the balcony, disapparating as well.

"I always wished I could do that." Peter mumbles from the hallway, "Whenever I jump I lose concentration and end up just falling." He bites his lip, staring at the place where James and Sirius disappeared enviously. Oblivious to the fight that he had just witnessed.

"It just takes practice mate." Remus says consolingly, collapsing back into the armchair grabbing the Prophet where he proceeds to read the article detailing the burning down of the Nott House.

He knows that James will bring Sirius back. Maybe not in one piece, maybe not whole, and certainly not happy.

But he will bring him back.

* * *

Remus is still seated in the same armchair when Sirius and James return, four hours later. It must have been raining out because they are both soaking wet, dripping all over the floor, though as Remus glances out the window all he can see is gray skies and the trees blowing about in the wind. Not a single drop of rain.

They are both shaking severely, from the cold or something else Remus isn't sure, nor does he ask. James has his arm around Sirius' waist and Sirius is clutching James' shoulder, both keeping one another upright.

Sirius gives Remus a lopsided smile that doesn't reach his eyes and James gives him a small nod. Together they shuffle and limp to the bathroom and Remus hears the sound of the shower turning on.

He thinks it's probably a good thing Lily gives James his space and lets him keep his secrets, because he was fairly sure she did not want to know that her boyfriend took hour long showers with other men.

Though he has no doubt that James has always stayed faithful to Lily, things were just different with Sirius. They always had been and they always would be. Sirius was just _different._

Sixteen years in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black will make anyone _different. _It will fuck anyone up.

He can hear them talking, soft voices just barely carrying over the sound of the rushing water. Sirius' posh London accent fumbling around his words and James' deeper tenor spitting out words a mile a minute.

When Remus gets up to refill his cup of tea he sees the steam curling from under the bathroom door and thinks he hears a sob. It's the crying that makes him stop, but it's the knowledge that it's Sirius crying that makes him draw closer.

Peering through the crack in the door, Remus can see Sirius and James curled up on the floor of the shower, steam rolling off their smooth skin.

James is wrapped entirely around Sirius, clutching his friend's face gently.

"You're not like them Sirius, you're not."

"Yes I am!" Sirius sobbed, near hysterical, "Look at what I do for a living! I kill people, I murder people! For money!"

"No, you fight Padfoot. You fight for the Order, you fight for a cause, you do what Dumbledore asks you to do, what he tells you to do, it's justified. You do it to protect people Sirius, you do it to protect me."

"I don't…"

Long delicate fingers try to pry James off him, clawing at James' arms and legs, raised red scratches appearing on smooth tanned skin.

"I don't protect you James…I try! I try to protect you, but I can't...I can't…"

He finally manages to shove James away from him, tears mixing in with the water coursing over his body.

"I can't protect you! Look at all that's happened since Hogwarts! Look at all that's happened to you! I can't protect you! I can't protect you…"

Watching his friend, his brother, patiently, James waits until Sirius has calmed down again before crouching in front of him, holding his gaze.

"Sirius, you've done more for me than anyone ever has, you've saved my life more times than I can count. You do protect me. You do so much for me, but not everyone can stay innocent forever."

"James…"

But James just shakes his head and smiles gently, consolingly.

"Sirius…you are nothing like your family. _Nothing._ You know why?"

There's silence for a moment, only the sound of the rushing water and their heavy breathing and Remus standing outside the door, holds his breath.

"You're nothing like your family Sirius, because you _care_. You _care_ about the war, you _care_ about people, you _care_ about me. You _love_ me Sirius. You love me so much that you're willing to burn down houses to keep me safe, you're willing to kill people to keep me safe, you're willing to die to keep me safe. I don't know about you, but I can't think of a single member of the Black family who would do that for a lowly blood traitor."

"You're not a lowly blood traitor Prongs…" Sirius chokes out, eyes red and limbs shaking.

"You're so much more than that James, you're…you're my best friend. My brother…"

"I know," James whispers, "I know."

"I love you Jamie…"

"I love you too Sirius." James responds, pulling the shaking boy who was forced, to soon, too early, to grow into a man, into his arms. Running his hands through his dripping hair. Pressing his forehead to Sirius'.

"Don't ever leave me James, without you I'd be just like them…"

James doesn't say anything for a long moment, instead just stares down at the tragic form of Sirius Black that he holds in his arms. Because he too, knows that this is true.

"I'll never leave you Sirius."

* * *

_...ring-a-round a rosie..._  
_...a pocket full of posies..._  
**_Ashes! Ashes!_**

_...we all...fall down._

* * *

So...**review?**


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